21/1/08

Aprendizaje: su futuro en mis manos

Hace 3 semanas la esposa del inútil de hermano dio a luz. La cachupina se llama Valeria y es linda! (mentira! es bastante feyuca la pobre, pero tengo esperanzas de que al crecer sea una real mamasota) Digo que mi hermano es inútil porque realmente lo es. Una vez hizo sopa (de esas de sobre (solo tienes que hervir agua y echar el contenido en el agua hervida)) en tetera, por ejemplo.


Cómo me da un poco de miedo que mi sobrina (y futura ahijada, además) aprenda todo lo que no debe aprender de su padre, he escrito una lista de las cosas que debo enseñarle para que sea un mujer hecha y derecha, que se pueda manejar sola por la vida y para que además sea La Cagada.

1.- "Los hombres son una cagada". Decir "una cagada" es muy diferente a decir "la cagada". Desde que tenga uso de razón tengo que enseñarle que no se puede fiar de los hombres, que todos son buenos hasta que se bajan la bragueta. Los únicos hombres buenos sobre la faz de la tierra son sus abuelos, su papá y su padrino (sí, yo también) Claro que tampoco es cuestión de que odie al género masculino (como cierta amiga con la que estoy conversando y no quiero decir su nombre), no quiero que se convierta en una Dominatrix.

2.- A escuchar buena música. Su mamá va por buen camino; le pone música clásica para que pueda dormir (quien no) siguiendo las enseñanzas de noseque corriente moderna que dice que si haces eso tus hijos crecerán más inteligentes. Pues yo pretendo comprarle esos CD´s "for babies" que también están tan de moda: Gun´s n Roses for babies, Aerosmith, Nirvana, etc. Si encuentro Asmereir, Narcosis, Los Saicos, Dalevuelta for babies, sería genial. Si no, cuando crezca le regalo mis discos. Todo eso para alejarla de la mala influencia de los futuros géneros comerciales. Prefiero que aprenda a odiar policías y a despotricar contra el estado a que aprenda a encerrarse en un cuarto a tirar como loca con un pueltoliqueño que se jura negro del Bronx.


3.- Ver buen cine. Tiene que aprender a amar las peliculas de Jackie Chan (en su etapa no holliwoodense) las de Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarggener (o como pohas se escriba) y Sly. Además, conocer al revés y al derecho todas las Retroceder Nunca Rendirse Jamás, Locademia de Policías, Locademia de Pilotos y las de Superman. (las de Porky´s y La venganza de los Nerds las reservo pa mi sobrino)



4.- Lo que debe hacer en su primera cita (a los 20 años, mínimo). Tío Cae le enseñará lo que debe hacer, si sale con un hombre por primera vez. Que no se suelte el pelo y esté donde esté, que sea buena chica y se porte bien. Si van a bailar, no ha de permitir que trata de acercarse demasiado a ella, que beba Coca Cola y agua de limón y pase lo que pase mucha precaución. Que no debe insinuarse ni coquetear, ni nada que de idea de frivolidad. Si van por la calle nada de pasar por donde no haya gente o por al oscuridad. Y sea como sea no debe consentir que trate de besarla, eso no esta bien (Lucero es la vox!! (y escribí esto viendo la letra en internet, no crean que me la sabía))



5.- A hacer sopa de sobre.



Después de, mis habilidades como tio y Padrino son irrefutables.



113 comentarios:

Titi dijo...

Apuesto a q si te sabias la letra de la cancion!!!! jajajajajajajaja... ya veo q seras la cagada como tio y padrino

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yo ya manyo a valeria y su tia romina (asi como tu cuñada dijo) le enseñara que debe utilizar a los honbres a su antojo y ser RUBI! . R o m i

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